Preggo hormones, weaning, blood disorder, baby EG movement and bacon cheeseburgers.

Sometimes you just try your hardest and you still feel defeated and pregnancy hormones absolutely suck. I feel like I've killed myself all week trying to keep on top of everything and I'm looking around and there are dishes to put away and dishes to load, 800 loads of laundry (ok 4), and there are chips on the floor that need to be vaccuumed. And here I am, exhausted with sciatic pain, other back pain, shoulder pain, headache, tummy ache and just utterly exhausted. Business trip weeks are hard. I'm so looking forward to the day we can say goodbye to that aspect of the job. But until then, whenever a business trip pops up, I might be a little extra tired, a little extra stressed and a lot extra emotional.

In other news, I have successfully weaned the baby! Woohoo! I cut her off cold turkey a few days ago (a week ago? I lost count). She no longer has a melt down when I tell her that mama's milk is all gone. She asks and then quietly accepts the fact and opts for a hug and a snuggle. I love those moments. I'm doing much better with it than I thought I would too. Though, I guess, when you've gone a week nursing a baby shark you lose all warm and fuzzy attachment feelings to the idea of breastfeeding. We made it over a year...just shy of 15 months since I didn't nurse her right away. The whole being 9 weeks early and in the NICU and gavaged for a couple weeks thing interefered with that whole plan, but I'm so thankful that we were able to breastfeed and have that special time.it is definitely a sweet time to cherish in my life and I am thankful for all the cuddles we now get to enjoy uninterupted by eating.

In other news, I am supposed to be switching from oral medicine to injections in 11 days. When I spoke with the company (refered to now as MC) in charge of handling my injections, they informed me that this is how the negotiations with our health insurance (HI) have gove for the past month and why they have now escalated it to the head honcho guy of MC dealing with HI:
MC You are contracted with us.
HI No, we are not.
MC Yes, you are contracted with us.
HI No, we are not.
MC I'm looking at our contract right now.
HI Oh, we are contracted with you.
MC So what's the problem?
HI We're not contracted with you.
-AND REPEAT-

Here's to hoping they get THAT figured out quickly since I was supposed to have the injections in my possession right now and they are beng held until HI decides to follow through with the fact that they are contracted with MC.

I was also diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder. I haven't read too much about it because what I read freaked me out and,since I know at least one other person with it, decided I didn't need the extra stress - at least not until after September. But, from what I do know, my blood clots too much or too easily putting me at righer risk for things like a stroke or blood clots in my legs (I'm sure it's probably not only limited to legs though) and explains my 2 miscarriages and why our daughter was early. Although, the doctor and PA have also said that it could have also been poorly monitored low progesterone in my pregnancy with her (which I also have with this pregnancy as well - though it started off in the normal range, it decided to plummet 2 days later).

I'm really just rambling here, but I emotionally feel better after writing some of this stuff out so I may keep going. Kudos to you if you've decided this is interesting enough to keep reading. Although, honestly, if it was someone else's blog and someone else's life I'd probably keep reading too.

I finished C's Easter basket today and filled up plastic eggs with stickers of puppies and kitties and also some fruit snacks. Tomorrow we will try to go see the Easter Bunny. Shall be interesting. Our E. Bunny interactions so far have been waving from a distance and then freaking out when he comes close. Hopefully we'll be able to get a picture tomorrow and hopefully it won't be traumatic for it. Also, I'm VERY thankful that there are places around here that DON'T charge $26.99 to take a photo with the Bunnny. It may be over 30 minutes away, but that's worth it.

Also, I'm beginning to feel Baby ElGi move every few days. That's fun. And I don't have blood clots in my leg thanks to the results of a fun leg ultrasound - just some charlie horses that are no where near as severe as when I had them with C. Woot woot! This pregnancy is so much different than with C. Not nearly as sick (yay!), lots more blood draws and ultrasounds, less severe charlie horses, less cravings, less appetite (boo). The one thing I am craving ALL the time is ice water. Other than that it's rare something sounds good. Although Bacon Cheeseburgers always sound good haha. Now I'm hungry and want a bacon cheeseburger, but there's no way I'm getting out of bed or leaving my house right now...maybe the Hubster will get me one ;)

****Disclaimer: our second child's name is NOT ElGi. That's not a real name. I even looked it uo because a few people thought we were naming the babt ElGi. We have simply taken the first 2 letters of the boy and girl name we have chosen and smooshed them together until we find out the gender of the baby. The Gi part has a middle name. The El part does not yet have a middle name.

...

It's been a long time since I've written anything, but I've realized that I have a lot on my mind lately and I should write. I contemplated making a different blog where I would be 100% anonymous, but I realized that's a lot of effort I'm not interested in putting forth right now. 😛
This will most likely be random and all of my thoughts right now. If you're reading this, you've been warned.

I'm 14 weeks pregnant with our second precious baby and I've realized I'm more terrified of this pregnancy than my last. I had 2 miscarriages before I had our daughter and I wasn't monitored properly and then there were complications and she came early. And now we're here. 3-4 ultrasounds and 18-20 vials of blood (because I stopped keeping count) and we know a handful of information. My progesterone dropped drastically in 2 days so I've been on progesterone pills for 10 weeks and will be switching to weekly injections soon. Our baby has a heartbeat and js growing! Woohoo! And I have Factor V Leiden with a possibility of having to have daily injections for that. And then my doctor informed me today that there's a chance I may have the baby at the beginning of August instead of the end of September. And, if I'm quite honest, I'm terrfied. I'm terrified of complications and losing another baby. I'm terrified of complications and have another preemie baby. I'm terrified of having to give myself daily shots if it comes to that. I'm terrified of the prospect of another NICU baby and I'm terrified of bringing home a newborn after 2 days in the hospital (you know, how the majority of the US gets to go home with their baby after a quick stay in the hospital). And I'm excited. I'm excited to bring another new blessing into our family and our world. And I wish I was better at holding onto that excitement...onto that joy, and yet I find myself scared, tired, overwhelmed and sick. I'm still excited, but I don't feel like I have the luxury of being completely excited and I don't really think I know how to deal with that.

Productivity

The productivity level in this house over the past week has been ridiculous. I'm exhausted. hahaha. BUT things are getting done! Decorated, organized, cleaned! woohoo!

boo.

apparently blogger lost the pictures in my posts. so that's lame.

To Do

I'm a list maker.
If you were to come across a composition book of mine, you are sure to find countless lists mixed in with half thoughts and random notes I 'm supposed to remember to go back to and decipher the jumbled code of abbreviations that don't actually exist in our language - er, any language really. You'll find "To Do" lists, Shopping lists, idea lists, pack lists. I like lists - I mean really, just look at the previous sentence, there's a list of lists in that sentence. A list of lists! I literally listed of a list of lists (at least I don't have a lisp to add to that). Heh. I thought that was funny. Most of the time I feel as if I can't get anything done unless I have a list. So here's the question:
     Is my daily list making a product of our instant gratification, pat-yourself-on-the-back culture? Or am I really just that much of an ADD, Scatter-brained, can't-focus-to-see-a-task-through-most-days person? Why do you make lists so much or am I alone in this compulsory list making?
While you go and ponder that, I am off to make tomorrow's "To Do" list, a packing list, and a list of ideas for better bathroom organization.
Toodles!

Just Call Me Martha.

My name is Martha. But not really. Actually, my name isn't very close to Martha at all. It's Sara, but I suppose since both names in the Bible they are actually closer than you'd think. Anyways, my name is Sara, but you can call me Martha.

Why can you call me Martha?

Well, really, why couldn't you? You could technically call me whatever you'd like. I just may not answer.
But go ahead, call me Martha. Why? Oh yes, I was getting to that.

Call me Martha because I've been crafty. I've been crafty and productive. But I'm sure I'm not as much of a Martha as Martha is. Except maybe I'm closer to Martha Maywho instead of Martha Stewart, though really I'm nothing like Martha Maywho. Martha Maywho is a bit of a self-serving jerk. Ok, I can be like her, but I'm generally not. She wasn't even a Maywho, she was an almost Maywho if I remember correctly. But I digress.

Call me Martha because in the past two days I have:
-Made my Sissy a home-warming gift
-Made us a little decorative thingy to go on our new entry table
-Sewed 5 curtains. Though I need 6. We're almost there. They're sunshiney. I love them.

However, I'm really not like Martha anyways.
I am not monetarily wealthy.
I have not been to jail or prison or anything of the like.
I cannot sew a straight line (but hey, my curtains have character, do yours?!)
I have been shanked by straight pins.
I need (or at least I think I need) the internet or Better Homes & Gardens magazine to inspire my decorative ideas.
I don't own a crafting company that produces crafty things under my name.
I don't have a blonde bob.
I don't even think I know bob. (hahahahaha. hey it's 130AM, what do you expect?)

on my pregnancy, fears and having a preemie baby

Since I've been wanting to blog about my experiences and my anxiety is keeping me up - I figured I'd tackle some of the things I mentioned here that I've been wanting to blog about. I shall start at the top of the list which, if you read the title of this post, is about my pregnancy, my fears and having a preemie.

My pregnancy was not an easy one. In fact, if I'm completely honest it was awful with the exception that I was carrying my precious daughter. Everything made me sick...like EVERYTHING. Sweet things made me sick, chicken, avocado, dairy, tomatoes, smells, the thought of certain foods, not eating, eating. It's a miracle I actually gained weight since I'm sure I spent 97% of my pregnancy worshiping the porcelain throne. I actually still can't bring myself to eat avocado and sometimes I'm wary of cereal. Funny how that happens even though I know I'd be fine now. One of my pregnancy fears was eating. I was often late to work because I was sick all the time. I often ran away from customers because I was sick. I ran a lot in retrospect. hah! But my main fear was losing my baby. I was determined to not have another miscarriage (because I can control that). I attempted to eat better - which just turned into an attempt to eat, I stayed away from caffeine until my second trimester, I slept when I could, put my feet up when I could, I did pregnancy yoga (which is a lot less tortuous than non-pregnancy yoga). I tried to not be a Debbie downer (but seriously, when you puke only 6 times on a good day, it makes it difficult). I was shocked and excited when we found out we were having a girl and I tried so desperately to give all my fears over to Jesus and I discovered where I lack in my faith and I discovered (though I already knew), that despite what the doctors say, God is bigger. God is stronger. God is bigger. God is faithful. Despite what they said, He protected her. He kept her safe and healthy and He brought her to us. He even brought her early ;) It's interesting and frustrating that my anxiety issues were so prevalent over losing her. It's frustrating that it scares me to get pregnant again because I'm afraid of losing another. I'm afraid of having my baby in the NICU. I'm afraid of anything being wrong with any of my babies - past, present, future. I hope this is just a mom thing.  I suppose that sums up the first two points. Let's move on, shall we?

Having a preemie. The most asked question I receive is "were you scared?". In length, no. There really isn't time to be scared. I woke up at 2:30AM on Christmas morning and shortly after we were heading to the hospital - after talking to the Hubs and calling my mom and then the doctor and then questioning the doctor's advice and then finally going. I had no idea I was in labor at that point, so I wasn't scared. And then they hooked me up to the contraction monitor and told me I was having contractions and I still wasn't scared. Then they started evaluating me further and decided to airvac me to another hospital. And I was as cool as a cucumber, which is apparently pretty cool and it's apparently uncharacteristic of me. I should have been freaking out, but God kept me calm. His peace is the only thing that makes my reaction explainable. For that, I am forever grateful. Fast forward a few twelve hours or so and it's 2ish PM and they're moving me from antepartum to delivery after I asked them if we could wait a few minutes. The nurses looked at me like I was crazy. Fast forward another 15 hours and I'm asking the doctor to wait to break my water. Again, she looked at me like I was nuts. Then around 8:30AM our precious daughter entered the world. I was terrified around midnight when the NICU staff came in to tell me everything that COULD be wrong with her, but then they told me the percentage and my fears subsided. Then she was born and I was excited, I was in love, I was so proud of her and I was terrified in that moment when they took her away to NICU. They had to, she was 9 weeks early. But they said she was big and strong and feisty and my fears subsided. It wasn't until I was utterly sleep deprived and having to make decisions for the life of a less than four and a half pound baby that the fear crept in. There was no time for fear during labor and delivery. You just go with it. Everything kicked in later. When she got her PICC line and I saw the nurses suited up for surgery because they needed a 100% sterile environment and her door was closed or when they put her under the bili lights or when she'd have a bradycardia or apnea spell, or when she'd pull off her alarms. The machines were fear provoking. The alarms were fear provoking. I tried to be strong, I'm not that strong. I leaned on my husband and I leaned on God more than I ever have. We were blessed, so abundantly blessed, that our little preemie girl was strong, big and healthy. We were blessed, so abundantly blessed that most of her alarms were false alarms, set off by our little feisty pants taking off her wires. We are so blessed by her and I am constantly blown away at God's grace over her life and His provision for us emotionally, spiritually, physically during that time. He brought us through. He gave me the strength to see our daughter on monitors. He gave me the strength to get through some scary stuff and to get through some tough stuff and I am grateful. He protected her and strengthened her and kept her healthy and put us in the care of the most caring nurses I've ever met. So no, I wasn't scared in the moment of having her. I wasn't scared at the prospect of having her early. But yes, I was terrified. I was so scared when the alarms would go off, I was scared every morning when I'd walk in and check her weight progress, I was scared when they called and asked permissions when we weren't at the hospital. I was scared when I wasn't there, I was scared when I was. I was scared of losing my daughter, but I wasn't scared of being her mom or having her early. But then, I think we're all scared on some level when we become parents.

And it's funny to me how so many people ask me what it's like having a preemie or ask me if it's weird or if it seems abnormal or weird in any way. I think people forget that I have not been a mom to a full-term baby, so everything we've went through with her - we really don't have a different standard. I think, whenever God blesses us with another child, I think then it will seem weird when I carry a child to full term and have a "normal" birth experience. Is any birth experience "normal"?

So there's the quickest run down of my pregnancy experience and having a preemie baby. I could write more, but our little love is sick and it's late (or early) and I should get some sleep because she needs me to comfort her again. And if you could and if you'd like to, she could use some prayer. She's never been sick-sick before this and she's miserable, so if you would pray she'd kick this stomach bug quickly and be back to her normal self soon she, her daddy and I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you & God bless.

It's already been half a year!

I've stopped blogging, or really, writing in general. I should keep up with it. Or at least do it a little more frequently. I enjoy it, it helps me process and I get to look back on it and remember things a little more clearly. It's been over half a year since the last time I wrote. The last time I wrote, I was 6 months pregnant and getting excited about C's room getting closer to being done. Crazy.

So what's been going on?
I've been creating an on-going list of things I'd like to write about in my mommy brain that gets lost about every 5 seconds.

Our daughter came in December, exactly 2 months before her due date. Labor was oddly easy. She was big for her gestational age and perfect. She stayed in the NICU for 26 days. I documented everything in a notebook I keep losing, freaking out about, and then finding again. Then the cycle repeats itself. I should really put that somewhere safer or record it in my e-mail or something that has a lesser chance of being misplaced.

Things I've been wanting to B-log about?
Having a preemie baby.
My fears during pregnancy.
My fears as a Mommy. (because they are real, and no one told me about them)
My joys as a Mommy.
My struggles in the transition of just the Wifey-Boo to Wifey-Boo and Mommy.
Having a baby in the NICU.
Strength.
PPD.


And then we finished her room.
And I've been meaning to show pictures and brag on how awesome my hubby is for doing the chair rail and designing so much of her room. I'm so thankful for his creativity!

Things I've been meaning to B-log about?
Adding chair rail in a room.
Painting plastic.
Making stencils.
The awesome headboard A made me for my birthday.

and other silly things that pop into my mind. Like what would you do if you entered someone's house to find they owned a Flemish Giant Rabbit. I've found pictures. Really, you would be speechless.

And the baby just spit up on Daddy's pillow. Nice one, lovey bugg, nice one.

But, for now - I'll just B-log about how I've had plans to B-log about all those things and more (cloth diapers and other sewing projects!)...and now it's time to try to get baby down to sleep because she's WIDE awake and it's 10:30PM

Baby Girl's Room

Baby Girl's room is starting to come together AND get extremely cluttered at the same time. hahaha. Proof:

No, we didn't get excited and put together all the gear in the room. They are either garage sale finds, hand-me downs or items that have been lent to us completely assembled. The only thing  we actually put together is the crib. But the Little One (LO) is definitely starting to take over our house and A is trying to make sure it stays contained in her room. So much fun and entertainment! haha.

And we've chosen a paint color for her walls which was the fastest/easiest paint decision we've made. Fun! :D

And now that I've shared that picture, it's off to go finish my "to-dos" for the day. Update the registries (AKA delete items), confirm the puppy's grooming appt, and the normal daily chores :)

Today has been such a beautiful morning and I am so thankful God's blessing of it!! :D

Garage Sales & 23 Weeks

Last Saturday Hubs and I got up at 6 A.M. (I can't believe I got up at 6AM willingly hahaha) and embarked on our first garage sale experience. Uhm...why have we not done this before?? It was fun and really nice spending the time together before I had to go to work and we got some neat things for baby girl! It was exciting.

I am 23 weeks 5 days and little girl moves ALL the time! She's decided to start kicking WHILE doing somersaults which is an interesting feeling. We almost have all the furniture for her room - then all we'll have left to do is pick a paint color, we're between 2, and paint her room! I'm SO excited. I feel like everything is coming together and she'll be here in a 4 months. Craziness!

In other news, the Hubs informed me that I'm the most impatient person he knows  when I'm excited about something. Then he left me home alone with a disassembled crib. It's assembled now. Haha :)