on my pregnancy, fears and having a preemie baby

Since I've been wanting to blog about my experiences and my anxiety is keeping me up - I figured I'd tackle some of the things I mentioned here that I've been wanting to blog about. I shall start at the top of the list which, if you read the title of this post, is about my pregnancy, my fears and having a preemie.

My pregnancy was not an easy one. In fact, if I'm completely honest it was awful with the exception that I was carrying my precious daughter. Everything made me sick...like EVERYTHING. Sweet things made me sick, chicken, avocado, dairy, tomatoes, smells, the thought of certain foods, not eating, eating. It's a miracle I actually gained weight since I'm sure I spent 97% of my pregnancy worshiping the porcelain throne. I actually still can't bring myself to eat avocado and sometimes I'm wary of cereal. Funny how that happens even though I know I'd be fine now. One of my pregnancy fears was eating. I was often late to work because I was sick all the time. I often ran away from customers because I was sick. I ran a lot in retrospect. hah! But my main fear was losing my baby. I was determined to not have another miscarriage (because I can control that). I attempted to eat better - which just turned into an attempt to eat, I stayed away from caffeine until my second trimester, I slept when I could, put my feet up when I could, I did pregnancy yoga (which is a lot less tortuous than non-pregnancy yoga). I tried to not be a Debbie downer (but seriously, when you puke only 6 times on a good day, it makes it difficult). I was shocked and excited when we found out we were having a girl and I tried so desperately to give all my fears over to Jesus and I discovered where I lack in my faith and I discovered (though I already knew), that despite what the doctors say, God is bigger. God is stronger. God is bigger. God is faithful. Despite what they said, He protected her. He kept her safe and healthy and He brought her to us. He even brought her early ;) It's interesting and frustrating that my anxiety issues were so prevalent over losing her. It's frustrating that it scares me to get pregnant again because I'm afraid of losing another. I'm afraid of having my baby in the NICU. I'm afraid of anything being wrong with any of my babies - past, present, future. I hope this is just a mom thing.  I suppose that sums up the first two points. Let's move on, shall we?

Having a preemie. The most asked question I receive is "were you scared?". In length, no. There really isn't time to be scared. I woke up at 2:30AM on Christmas morning and shortly after we were heading to the hospital - after talking to the Hubs and calling my mom and then the doctor and then questioning the doctor's advice and then finally going. I had no idea I was in labor at that point, so I wasn't scared. And then they hooked me up to the contraction monitor and told me I was having contractions and I still wasn't scared. Then they started evaluating me further and decided to airvac me to another hospital. And I was as cool as a cucumber, which is apparently pretty cool and it's apparently uncharacteristic of me. I should have been freaking out, but God kept me calm. His peace is the only thing that makes my reaction explainable. For that, I am forever grateful. Fast forward a few twelve hours or so and it's 2ish PM and they're moving me from antepartum to delivery after I asked them if we could wait a few minutes. The nurses looked at me like I was crazy. Fast forward another 15 hours and I'm asking the doctor to wait to break my water. Again, she looked at me like I was nuts. Then around 8:30AM our precious daughter entered the world. I was terrified around midnight when the NICU staff came in to tell me everything that COULD be wrong with her, but then they told me the percentage and my fears subsided. Then she was born and I was excited, I was in love, I was so proud of her and I was terrified in that moment when they took her away to NICU. They had to, she was 9 weeks early. But they said she was big and strong and feisty and my fears subsided. It wasn't until I was utterly sleep deprived and having to make decisions for the life of a less than four and a half pound baby that the fear crept in. There was no time for fear during labor and delivery. You just go with it. Everything kicked in later. When she got her PICC line and I saw the nurses suited up for surgery because they needed a 100% sterile environment and her door was closed or when they put her under the bili lights or when she'd have a bradycardia or apnea spell, or when she'd pull off her alarms. The machines were fear provoking. The alarms were fear provoking. I tried to be strong, I'm not that strong. I leaned on my husband and I leaned on God more than I ever have. We were blessed, so abundantly blessed, that our little preemie girl was strong, big and healthy. We were blessed, so abundantly blessed that most of her alarms were false alarms, set off by our little feisty pants taking off her wires. We are so blessed by her and I am constantly blown away at God's grace over her life and His provision for us emotionally, spiritually, physically during that time. He brought us through. He gave me the strength to see our daughter on monitors. He gave me the strength to get through some scary stuff and to get through some tough stuff and I am grateful. He protected her and strengthened her and kept her healthy and put us in the care of the most caring nurses I've ever met. So no, I wasn't scared in the moment of having her. I wasn't scared at the prospect of having her early. But yes, I was terrified. I was so scared when the alarms would go off, I was scared every morning when I'd walk in and check her weight progress, I was scared when they called and asked permissions when we weren't at the hospital. I was scared when I wasn't there, I was scared when I was. I was scared of losing my daughter, but I wasn't scared of being her mom or having her early. But then, I think we're all scared on some level when we become parents.

And it's funny to me how so many people ask me what it's like having a preemie or ask me if it's weird or if it seems abnormal or weird in any way. I think people forget that I have not been a mom to a full-term baby, so everything we've went through with her - we really don't have a different standard. I think, whenever God blesses us with another child, I think then it will seem weird when I carry a child to full term and have a "normal" birth experience. Is any birth experience "normal"?

So there's the quickest run down of my pregnancy experience and having a preemie baby. I could write more, but our little love is sick and it's late (or early) and I should get some sleep because she needs me to comfort her again. And if you could and if you'd like to, she could use some prayer. She's never been sick-sick before this and she's miserable, so if you would pray she'd kick this stomach bug quickly and be back to her normal self soon she, her daddy and I would greatly appreciate it. Thank you & God bless.