Growing

Growth, it seems, had a lot to do with weeding out things. Listening more to what God is speaking into your heart than anything else. As A and I spoke the other day as we were driving to Phx, we can both see God's hand growing us through this time in our life. Since welcoming E into our lives, we have wrestled with a surprising amount of "junk" and, honestly,  I'mean thankful. I'm thankful for the difficult situations we have faced and that we have been given no other choice thand to cling first to our Jesus and second to each other. As we navigate life as a family of 4, we are learning much and rejoicing for more. Life is moving and it's moving fast and my heart overflows as we look back, look forward and we look here and see God in it. 

The biggest thing God has been working on me is my fear of man. I am so concerned with how others will feel and how they will perceive me that I have frequently ignored God's leading in my life. Through some difficult conversations  and an amazing book by Jennie Allen (called Anything), He has not only been revealing my sin, but stripping it away - helping  me to let it go and rightfully place it where it should be - at the Cross. I am thankful. I am thankful for my Jesus who died for my sins that I continue to struggle with even though I don't deserve such an incredible act of mercy and grace. I am thankful for my husband who helps me to be better and leads me to Jesus when I am being stubborn. I am thankful for our girls who have brought so much joy and love to our lives and continue to push me to be a better mommy, wifey and person. I am thankful for our church family who walk with us and encourage us. I am thankful for the beautiful design of marriage and family. I am thankful for this beautiful life God has abundantly blessed us with. I am thankful for this everchanging, wonderful, inspiring adventure that is our life. 

I'm learning to stick up more for my family and myself instead of worrying about pleasing everyone. I am learning that sometimes things need to change so things can get better.  I am learning more about the person God has created me to be instead of the person others decide I am for me. And I owe it all to God and my husband. I am thankful. I am blessed. I am overjowed and I cannot believe that this beautiful life is the one He chose for us to have. ♡

Defeated

My spirit is starting to feel defeated. I'm so close to the end of this pregnancy and am so excited to meet our daughter, but complications keep popping up. Tomorrow marks 1 full week of hospital bedrest and I'm losing my hope that I'll be able to go home soon.

We spent 3 weeks trying to date the pregnancy.
Then my body stopped producing progesterone.
Then we found out i have a blood clotting disorder that causes miscarriages, still birth, and premature birth.
Then i kept getting dizzy and seeing starts so i had to go to a cardiologist.
Then i went into preterm labor and they stopped it only to go back into preterm labor less than 10 hrs later.
Then i was admitted to the hospital on bedrest.
Then i ended up getting cholestasis which increases the risk of premature birth, still birth and infection to the baby.

I want to go home. I want the baby to be healthy. I want the complications gone. I don't want to feel defeated, but I keep feeling like my body is betraying me.

Bumper instructions

Because I don't want to lose these for future reference and I want to delete the clutter from my phone notes: These are my rough instructions for recovering C's crib bumpers for baby E.

Bumpers

Side bumpers

11 x 27 (actual size: 10x26)

1/2 inch seam allowance on all sides

12 ties total - 6 each bumper

Cut 2 pink polka dot 11x27

Cut 2 floral 11x27

Sew right sides together of each print with a 1/2 inch seam allowance.

Leave one side mostly open, sewing only 1-2 inches at top and bottom. This will allow you to stuff the bumper.

Long bumpers

11x52

10×51 actual size

1/2 inch seam allowance on all sides

16 ties total - 8 each bumper

Cut 2 pink polka dot 11x52

Cut 2 floral 11x52

Sew right sides together of each print with a 1/2 inch seam allowance.

Leave one side mostly open, sewing only 1-2 inches at top and bottom. This will allow you to stuff the bumper.

Crafty?

Champagne taste with a martinelli's budget. Anyone else there? I fell in love with a crib set, but at almost $200 for 4 pieces, I just couldn't bring myself to even consider it. Except for, you know, the 600 times I compared it to other crib sets I kind of likes.
((I'll add photos when I can figure out how to from the mobile app)).
I sent the photo to my sister and she tried to convince me that I could make it myself. I was pretty convinced that I wouldn't be able to find the time or that i physically wouldn't be able to because of issues I seem to be having with this pregnancy. 600 more comparisons to this crib set and I was convinced I had to make it.

Off to Joann's I went with coupons in jand a gift card from my Momma. I went with some bolder colors than the inspiration piece - Aqua and hot pink instead of mint and coral. For a grand total just under $18 out of pocket (so I used the gift card+ $18), I got more than enough fabric to make a crib skirt, big blanket, fitted crib sheet, to recover C's bumpers and mobile and I'm sure I'll have left overs. I'm stoked.

The crib skirt sewed up pretty fast, as did the crib sheet. The quilt took a little longer and it has many flaws because I've never made a quilt before. I have half of the fabric cut out for the bumpers and I'm hoping to be a be able to complete that over tbe next few weeks. I'm hoping to have enough fabric left over to make a changing station organizer or a diaper or a romper or something.

And then, because apparently mommy guilt decided to creep in - I had to go back to Joann's and get fabric to make C a new bedset...because the baby sister can't have a mommy made set without the big sister getting one. :) I'm hoping to get all of C's and E's bed sets done within 10 weeks and hopefully make something for a friend's new baby by this weekend. Though I'm completely lacking in inspiration :/

In other baby news - we ALL got the flu last week so I ended up spending my Friday night in the ER/Labor and Delivery triage getting 2 liters of fluids and some IV zofran. Total game changer. I have a gnarly bruise on my arm now from the IV, but it enabled me to be well enough to finally eat something and hold it dow. Which I'm sure greatly helped in my recovery. C got over it in about 1.5 days. A was good in like 24 hrs. I think it took me almost 4 complete days. Super lame, but oh so thankful for being able to get medical help quickly. We are so blessed!

And the hubs has almost completely finished refinishing our cabinets and replacing the hardware. I think we just need to do a few touchups and they'll be done and then we can move onto the counters!

DIY stuff may be labor intensive and take a bit longer than paying someone to do it for you, BUT with trying to be frugal- it saves a ton of money and there's a different sense of pride and ownership in it. Yeah, the things we make or DIY may be imperfect, but it's kind of cool to know that it's something we did together. :)

Transitions

C is awesome. We converted her crib to a toddler bed the other day - maybe 3/4 days ago. It has gone so smoothly, we are so blessed! I anticipated it to be challenging - where she wouldn't stay in bed or fall out or wander out if her room. With the exception of the first night, she has gone down easy for bed time and naps and generally stayed in bed. She has been getting up earlier, but she's also learning to play quietly until it's "wake up time". Sometimes she meets us at the door, sometimes she's still in bed - but so far we haven't hit any major bumps in  this transition and I am SO proud of her!
Right now she is fighting her nap, and since our video monitor broke I can only listen to her. She may or may not be in bed - but she is talking/playing quietly- probably "reading" her books she keeps hiding behind the glider.

The new baby's room (aka the craft room) is almost ready for baby things to be moved in to it! Exciting. I have no theme ideas for either gender. So that's awesome. Haha. I am paying dearly for clearing out most of the room last night though. Everything hurts, I was dehydrated this morning but I've got the handled now, I'm hungry and have no appetite so therefore, I'm also nauseous and want to go back to bed. Hopefully C will actually take a nap so I can utilize that time and sleep too! We shall see ☺

I suppose it's time for a post. Why? No idea- other than I'm exhausted, most definitely have the sleepy sillies and just laughed so hard at myself I couldn't breathe or make a sound and I was crying.  Brace yourself - this may get weird. Or random. Or be completely boring. Hey, you never know what I might decide is vitally important news.

Had a drs appt today where they checked on me and baby. Everything is good - baby is good - I may have some unfortunate symptoms going on, but baby is good so that's all that matters. I'm just supposed to stay off my feet as much as possible now, lims are starting to go numb if I sit or lay in certain positions now - so that's fun.  Fears still weigh heavy on my heart at times - though they're sporadic. I find myself reminding myself daily that we have this precious child for however long God blesses us with this child. Whether just in the womb or for a few days or for forever - the timing of this baby's life is purposeful and precious and I will cherish every second of it. Today I am pregnant. Today we still have this baby. And for that I am thankful.

Now if I could figure out how to stay on top of the laundry and keep C out of the cabinets while we are redoing them - that would be nice ;) lol. But again, she's our miracle baby too and I am thankful for all the hard things that come with all the wonderful things.

Speaking of - we will be converting C's crib into a toddler bed soon while we wait to paint the toddler bed that is hanging out with the kitchen cabinets in our garage. This is happening a little earlier than I planned, but my body is no longer tolerating getting her out of or into her crib very well.  So this will be fun.

I accidentally ordered a wrong replacement part for our stroller. Whoops. Hopefully we can get that sorted out soon.

I really have nothing else to say. I'm thankful for my hubby that is also my hairstylist so he knows that he should say no when I demand - I mean, suggest - we shave my head.  I also asked my Father-in-Law the bottle up Alaskan air and bring it to me because it's cold. Clearly I'm kind of screwed for this summer. But, you know, God is a miracle worker. He can totally give us a cool summer this year. I don't think He will, but He is totally capabale of making that happen.

I'll just leave this here: how bad would people freak out if I did my makeup to look like Michael Jackson and dressed like him? It could be entertaining.

Praise Report

It's funny the things we get excited about, but...
My body does not produce progesterone while pregnant. So I have been on an oral medication and will be switching to shots this week. Our insurance denied the shots a week ago so we would have to pay out of pocket for every shot for the duration of my pregnancy. Yikes $$$. We got a call on Friday that our insurance not only decided to accept them, but they are covering it 100%! Praising God for this blessing!!!

Pregnancy is terrifying

I hope I'm not the only I've who thinks so.  I looked up facts on my blood disorder. If you have a blood disorder, don't do that. There's a maternal mortality rate. It's terrifying. And to add to my current "Prenatal doctor appointments are terrifying" feelings, my doctor informed us that there is still a risk for miscarriage or stillbirth, although he is optimistic about the outcome of this pregnancy due to it going so smoothly so far and my making it to 15 weeks. It's comforting to know that he is optimistic, but it was also difficult to hear there's still a risk. I did noted the percentage of the risk. My heart doesn't need to know that, you know?

However, I am extremely blessed that Good has given us our beautiful daughter and this new baby. I heard that a large amount of families that seem out surrogate mothers do so because they have Factor V Leiden and can't get pregnant. What amazing grace and mercy He has on our family!! I have been brought tears multiple times since hearing this and it is just so wonderful! No matter how terrifying I may think this season is, I am eternally thankful that God has not only protected our babies, but has also protected me. He has given us such a gift in our daughter and I cannot wait to hold our newest little one in a few months! God is so gracious to us!

Easter Basket

What do you put in an Easter basket for a 15 month old? I had 500 great ideas for homemade fun things for C's basket. Then reality hit and I realized that I'm preggers a d chasing a toddler around and I'm pretty much just exhausted...always. Then I realized that Easter is on Sunday. This Sunday. And I haven't made her basket or her 2 princess cloth diapers or her dress or playdoh or special yummy fruit snacks that look to die for on the pinterest or a baby doll bed or...or....or.... I have great intentions. I just don't have the energy in this season of life. So off to the sfore we went and I wandered the aisles looking for inspiration. So what's in the basket?

*The Jesus Storybook Bible (because we haven't gotten her her own Bible yet and it's about time)

*a pinwheel (because it looked fun, righr?)

*a mermaid doll (for the bathtub. It has been inspected for choking hazards since the package said 3+)

*my little pony (because every little girl needs a my little pony)

*sand toys

*playdoh

*frozen themed crayons

*a roll of paper for her easel

*a hair brush (she loves brushing her hair)

*a bubble blower similar to the kind Gymboree sells, just not feom Gymboree.

So I may have gone a little overboard and I'm sure the playdoh and pinwheel won't last long, but it's fun and I enjoyed making her a basket since last year's was mai ly stuff we already had yet hadn't introduced to her yet. :) 

We also have plastic eggs filles with stickers and snacks for the Easter egg hunt...which will likely happen after church on Sunday. I had grand plans of easter egg dying this year, but she's 15 months old and I apparently had a reality check on that one. Hahaha

Preggo hormones, weaning, blood disorder, baby EG movement and bacon cheeseburgers.

Sometimes you just try your hardest and you still feel defeated and pregnancy hormones absolutely suck. I feel like I've killed myself all week trying to keep on top of everything and I'm looking around and there are dishes to put away and dishes to load, 800 loads of laundry (ok 4), and there are chips on the floor that need to be vaccuumed. And here I am, exhausted with sciatic pain, other back pain, shoulder pain, headache, tummy ache and just utterly exhausted. Business trip weeks are hard. I'm so looking forward to the day we can say goodbye to that aspect of the job. But until then, whenever a business trip pops up, I might be a little extra tired, a little extra stressed and a lot extra emotional.

In other news, I have successfully weaned the baby! Woohoo! I cut her off cold turkey a few days ago (a week ago? I lost count). She no longer has a melt down when I tell her that mama's milk is all gone. She asks and then quietly accepts the fact and opts for a hug and a snuggle. I love those moments. I'm doing much better with it than I thought I would too. Though, I guess, when you've gone a week nursing a baby shark you lose all warm and fuzzy attachment feelings to the idea of breastfeeding. We made it over a year...just shy of 15 months since I didn't nurse her right away. The whole being 9 weeks early and in the NICU and gavaged for a couple weeks thing interefered with that whole plan, but I'm so thankful that we were able to breastfeed and have that special time.it is definitely a sweet time to cherish in my life and I am thankful for all the cuddles we now get to enjoy uninterupted by eating.

In other news, I am supposed to be switching from oral medicine to injections in 11 days. When I spoke with the company (refered to now as MC) in charge of handling my injections, they informed me that this is how the negotiations with our health insurance (HI) have gove for the past month and why they have now escalated it to the head honcho guy of MC dealing with HI:
MC You are contracted with us.
HI No, we are not.
MC Yes, you are contracted with us.
HI No, we are not.
MC I'm looking at our contract right now.
HI Oh, we are contracted with you.
MC So what's the problem?
HI We're not contracted with you.
-AND REPEAT-

Here's to hoping they get THAT figured out quickly since I was supposed to have the injections in my possession right now and they are beng held until HI decides to follow through with the fact that they are contracted with MC.

I was also diagnosed with a blood clotting disorder. I haven't read too much about it because what I read freaked me out and,since I know at least one other person with it, decided I didn't need the extra stress - at least not until after September. But, from what I do know, my blood clots too much or too easily putting me at righer risk for things like a stroke or blood clots in my legs (I'm sure it's probably not only limited to legs though) and explains my 2 miscarriages and why our daughter was early. Although, the doctor and PA have also said that it could have also been poorly monitored low progesterone in my pregnancy with her (which I also have with this pregnancy as well - though it started off in the normal range, it decided to plummet 2 days later).

I'm really just rambling here, but I emotionally feel better after writing some of this stuff out so I may keep going. Kudos to you if you've decided this is interesting enough to keep reading. Although, honestly, if it was someone else's blog and someone else's life I'd probably keep reading too.

I finished C's Easter basket today and filled up plastic eggs with stickers of puppies and kitties and also some fruit snacks. Tomorrow we will try to go see the Easter Bunny. Shall be interesting. Our E. Bunny interactions so far have been waving from a distance and then freaking out when he comes close. Hopefully we'll be able to get a picture tomorrow and hopefully it won't be traumatic for it. Also, I'm VERY thankful that there are places around here that DON'T charge $26.99 to take a photo with the Bunnny. It may be over 30 minutes away, but that's worth it.

Also, I'm beginning to feel Baby ElGi move every few days. That's fun. And I don't have blood clots in my leg thanks to the results of a fun leg ultrasound - just some charlie horses that are no where near as severe as when I had them with C. Woot woot! This pregnancy is so much different than with C. Not nearly as sick (yay!), lots more blood draws and ultrasounds, less severe charlie horses, less cravings, less appetite (boo). The one thing I am craving ALL the time is ice water. Other than that it's rare something sounds good. Although Bacon Cheeseburgers always sound good haha. Now I'm hungry and want a bacon cheeseburger, but there's no way I'm getting out of bed or leaving my house right now...maybe the Hubster will get me one ;)

****Disclaimer: our second child's name is NOT ElGi. That's not a real name. I even looked it uo because a few people thought we were naming the babt ElGi. We have simply taken the first 2 letters of the boy and girl name we have chosen and smooshed them together until we find out the gender of the baby. The Gi part has a middle name. The El part does not yet have a middle name.

...

It's been a long time since I've written anything, but I've realized that I have a lot on my mind lately and I should write. I contemplated making a different blog where I would be 100% anonymous, but I realized that's a lot of effort I'm not interested in putting forth right now. 😛
This will most likely be random and all of my thoughts right now. If you're reading this, you've been warned.

I'm 14 weeks pregnant with our second precious baby and I've realized I'm more terrified of this pregnancy than my last. I had 2 miscarriages before I had our daughter and I wasn't monitored properly and then there were complications and she came early. And now we're here. 3-4 ultrasounds and 18-20 vials of blood (because I stopped keeping count) and we know a handful of information. My progesterone dropped drastically in 2 days so I've been on progesterone pills for 10 weeks and will be switching to weekly injections soon. Our baby has a heartbeat and js growing! Woohoo! And I have Factor V Leiden with a possibility of having to have daily injections for that. And then my doctor informed me today that there's a chance I may have the baby at the beginning of August instead of the end of September. And, if I'm quite honest, I'm terrfied. I'm terrified of complications and losing another baby. I'm terrified of complications and have another preemie baby. I'm terrified of having to give myself daily shots if it comes to that. I'm terrified of the prospect of another NICU baby and I'm terrified of bringing home a newborn after 2 days in the hospital (you know, how the majority of the US gets to go home with their baby after a quick stay in the hospital). And I'm excited. I'm excited to bring another new blessing into our family and our world. And I wish I was better at holding onto that excitement...onto that joy, and yet I find myself scared, tired, overwhelmed and sick. I'm still excited, but I don't feel like I have the luxury of being completely excited and I don't really think I know how to deal with that.