Happy Happy Friday!!! Pocket Bunny & I are going to Scottsdale today so she can have another "bunny-date"! Here's to rooting she finds a bunny husband! :D
I'll post pictures if I remember my camera!
Friday, March 9, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
On [my] Eating Disorder
**Disclaimer: This reveals some painful things that have happened; though I tried to be vague.**
"Why would you be anorexic? You're already really skinny." Four years ago, this was the MOST frustrating phrase I had ever heard. It wasn't about being skinny at all, it was about control in a way, but it was about so much more than that....
Four years I ago I was 18 years old. Four years ago I was spending a lot of time at one of my pastor's houses - one might even say that I was living there. Four years ago I was torturing myself and had been for about seven years. Four years ago I had pushed my body so far that anytime I tried to eat something that was more than 1 or 2 bites I'd get sick - nausea and vomitting. It was bad. And I know why I did it. For awhile I lived in fear - fear of messing up because less than perfect resulted in harrassment and taunting and on some days being told how disappointing that was, fear of messing up becuase when someone else did I somehow got blamed for it; fear of being noticed because for awhle that generally meant I was getting in trouble; fear of being rejected because I wanted to feel like there was something about me that deserved attention; fear of sleep for nightmares -- real and imagined; fear of crying because when I did, whether from a physical or emotional hurt I got told it didn't hurt, I shouldn't feel that way. This (and maybe even a little more) had me telling myself that I wasn't good enough and my feelings; my emotions were wrong - no matter what they were. So I did my best to toughen up and in doing so, I successfully began to kill myself - though I didn't realize that's what was going on.
So what did I think toughen up meant? It meant when I was hurting to keep silent; when I had an opinion to keep silent, when I was excited about something to keep silent (though that one was always difficult to do). So I punished myself for hurting, for keeping silent, or for letting it be known, I punished myself for speaking my opinion, but then I punished myself for keeping silent as well. I tried to force myself to not show emotion - I wanted to be a stone, I wanted to be a robot, I didn't want to show my emotion though on the other hand I desperately needed to. So when I did, I wrote poems and when I failed in becoming stone, I decided I didn't deserve to eat. But, when I succeeded in it, I needed to feel the hunger pangs to know I was still there.
Sometime in junior high, my older brother made a comment when I said I wasn't hungry. He asked me, "what did you eat, an ice cube?" I got so angry - but I was angry that he noticed and I was angry that he was calling me out. So I called him a jerk and got sent to my room. I don't remember him ever saying anything else about it - but then I tried to figure out new ways to conceal it. I often times skipped lunch in jr. high and high school and a few people would ask about it and I would tell them I had a big breakfast, which was pretty much never true, or that I wasn't feeling well. It got easier to hide my Senior year when I committed social suicide and most of my friends stopped talking to me. But I always had it under control...right?
Fast forward the year after high school, a tragic event and a move and I started getting scared. My body had to be shutting down. The family I was living with often had me eat dinner with them and I hardly touched my food, but at this point it was because food was making me sick. I broke down at some point and talked to Mrs. K and told her about my eating disorder and she said she thought so- apparently it's not so easy to hide when you're around the same people a lot. I started going to CR, which didn't really help anything, moved back in with a friend and then started staying at my pastor's house. When I told him what was going on -and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "You are killing yourself."
No one had ever told me that - and I believed him whole heartedly. We started talking about it and working through what was going on; and I started to be more open about it with other people as I got better. And somewhere along the way, I stopped talking about it because the response was "Why would you be anorexic? You're already skinny." So all of that brings me to the REAL purpose of this post....
While I believe whole heartedly that people who are seeking to be skinny end up convincing themselves that the best and quickest way to achieve that is through starving or purging, in my experience the issues are deeper than that and they get overlooked. If you are trapped in an eating disorder, please talk to your pastor, a counselor, a family member, a friend or even me! Please don't allow yourself to get to the point where your body physically rejects food! There is SO much more for you here and I am thankful God allowed me to see that and that He brought people into my life to help. If you don't feel like you have someone in your life to help you with it, seriously - contact me. God has brought me through it and shown me how much MORE there is and how much MORE I was missing because I was trapped in my own self-destructive habits.
Through the gospel, counseling, and way too many nasty smoothies (because it was one of the only things I could keep down for awhile - I'm so thankful I didn't have to go to the hospital), God has shown me what my life is worth. He has shown me true, unconditional love through Christ Jesus. Jesus loved me enough to take God's wrath for me that I may live - He did the same thing for you! Let that impact your heart and impact your life.
2 Corinthians 5:21 says "For our sake [God] made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." God sent Jesus, the PERFECT Son of Man to live a life we could not live - one that was perfect and completely, 100% in line with God's good and perfect will and to die a torturous, wrathful death that Christ didn't deserve so that WE could have an eternal relationship with God the Father!
John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." This is how MUCH God loves us! He sacrificed His own Son in order for us to have a relationship with Him!
Romans 10:9 "if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved"
Please, read this and again, I urge you, if you are suffering from an eating disorder go talk to someone and if you feel like you don't have anyone to talk with - talk to me.
It hasn't always been an easy journey to recovery from anorexia, and it is something that I still fight 4 years later. But God has brought me so much joy and happiness since fighting through it, that I NEVER want to go back. Through this He has brought me closer to Him, He has taught me that I am important and significant - I matter, He showed me that there are people, even strangers, who care about me enough to help me get better, He has brought me through the toughest storms I've had to face yet and He brought me through to better things. I am joyful on most days [I'm still human], God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, I now have 2 great jobs that I love, am surrounded by MORE LOVE and COMPASSION than I ever thought was possible, and (even though it wasn't my goal) I weigh less now than I did then...and I eat more. In fact, I now take eating for granted and LOVE eating, oh my goodness do I ever - especially cookies :p Four years ago, I couldn't eat an IN N OUT burger because it made me sick, yesterday I ate one without thinking twice AND THEN had animal fries and I took it for granted until God laid it on my heart to write this.
Seriously girls/ladies, if God is starting to pull you out - reach out to someone. They can only guess what you're going through, you need to make it known and seek help. You won't get better by wishing someone will notice, you need to take action. Please, don't end up in the hospital because of it or fearing for your life because of it.
- So maybe this was all a little too personal, my apologies if it made you uneasy - but being someone who has been through it, and who has come to the realization that I will probably always be fighting agianst it in some way - I just want to help others going through it and fighting against it. If this helps one person, I am grateful.
"Why would you be anorexic? You're already really skinny." Four years ago, this was the MOST frustrating phrase I had ever heard. It wasn't about being skinny at all, it was about control in a way, but it was about so much more than that....
Four years I ago I was 18 years old. Four years ago I was spending a lot of time at one of my pastor's houses - one might even say that I was living there. Four years ago I was torturing myself and had been for about seven years. Four years ago I had pushed my body so far that anytime I tried to eat something that was more than 1 or 2 bites I'd get sick - nausea and vomitting. It was bad. And I know why I did it. For awhile I lived in fear - fear of messing up because less than perfect resulted in harrassment and taunting and on some days being told how disappointing that was, fear of messing up becuase when someone else did I somehow got blamed for it; fear of being noticed because for awhle that generally meant I was getting in trouble; fear of being rejected because I wanted to feel like there was something about me that deserved attention; fear of sleep for nightmares -- real and imagined; fear of crying because when I did, whether from a physical or emotional hurt I got told it didn't hurt, I shouldn't feel that way. This (and maybe even a little more) had me telling myself that I wasn't good enough and my feelings; my emotions were wrong - no matter what they were. So I did my best to toughen up and in doing so, I successfully began to kill myself - though I didn't realize that's what was going on.
So what did I think toughen up meant? It meant when I was hurting to keep silent; when I had an opinion to keep silent, when I was excited about something to keep silent (though that one was always difficult to do). So I punished myself for hurting, for keeping silent, or for letting it be known, I punished myself for speaking my opinion, but then I punished myself for keeping silent as well. I tried to force myself to not show emotion - I wanted to be a stone, I wanted to be a robot, I didn't want to show my emotion though on the other hand I desperately needed to. So when I did, I wrote poems and when I failed in becoming stone, I decided I didn't deserve to eat. But, when I succeeded in it, I needed to feel the hunger pangs to know I was still there.
Sometime in junior high, my older brother made a comment when I said I wasn't hungry. He asked me, "what did you eat, an ice cube?" I got so angry - but I was angry that he noticed and I was angry that he was calling me out. So I called him a jerk and got sent to my room. I don't remember him ever saying anything else about it - but then I tried to figure out new ways to conceal it. I often times skipped lunch in jr. high and high school and a few people would ask about it and I would tell them I had a big breakfast, which was pretty much never true, or that I wasn't feeling well. It got easier to hide my Senior year when I committed social suicide and most of my friends stopped talking to me. But I always had it under control...right?
Fast forward the year after high school, a tragic event and a move and I started getting scared. My body had to be shutting down. The family I was living with often had me eat dinner with them and I hardly touched my food, but at this point it was because food was making me sick. I broke down at some point and talked to Mrs. K and told her about my eating disorder and she said she thought so- apparently it's not so easy to hide when you're around the same people a lot. I started going to CR, which didn't really help anything, moved back in with a friend and then started staying at my pastor's house. When I told him what was going on -and he looked me straight in the eyes and said "You are killing yourself."
No one had ever told me that - and I believed him whole heartedly. We started talking about it and working through what was going on; and I started to be more open about it with other people as I got better. And somewhere along the way, I stopped talking about it because the response was "Why would you be anorexic? You're already skinny." So all of that brings me to the REAL purpose of this post....
While I believe whole heartedly that people who are seeking to be skinny end up convincing themselves that the best and quickest way to achieve that is through starving or purging, in my experience the issues are deeper than that and they get overlooked. If you are trapped in an eating disorder, please talk to your pastor, a counselor, a family member, a friend or even me! Please don't allow yourself to get to the point where your body physically rejects food! There is SO much more for you here and I am thankful God allowed me to see that and that He brought people into my life to help. If you don't feel like you have someone in your life to help you with it, seriously - contact me. God has brought me through it and shown me how much MORE there is and how much MORE I was missing because I was trapped in my own self-destructive habits.
Through the gospel, counseling, and way too many nasty smoothies (because it was one of the only things I could keep down for awhile - I'm so thankful I didn't have to go to the hospital), God has shown me what my life is worth. He has shown me true, unconditional love through Christ Jesus. Jesus loved me enough to take God's wrath for me that I may live - He did the same thing for you! Let that impact your heart and impact your life.
2 Corinthians 5:21 says "For our sake [God] made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God." God sent Jesus, the PERFECT Son of Man to live a life we could not live - one that was perfect and completely, 100% in line with God's good and perfect will and to die a torturous, wrathful death that Christ didn't deserve so that WE could have an eternal relationship with God the Father!
John 3:16-17 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. 17 For God did not send his Son into the world to condemn the world, but in order that the world might be saved through him." This is how MUCH God loves us! He sacrificed His own Son in order for us to have a relationship with Him!
Romans 10:9 "if you confess with your mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved"
Please, read this and again, I urge you, if you are suffering from an eating disorder go talk to someone and if you feel like you don't have anyone to talk with - talk to me.
It hasn't always been an easy journey to recovery from anorexia, and it is something that I still fight 4 years later. But God has brought me so much joy and happiness since fighting through it, that I NEVER want to go back. Through this He has brought me closer to Him, He has taught me that I am important and significant - I matter, He showed me that there are people, even strangers, who care about me enough to help me get better, He has brought me through the toughest storms I've had to face yet and He brought me through to better things. I am joyful on most days [I'm still human], God has blessed me with a wonderful husband, I now have 2 great jobs that I love, am surrounded by MORE LOVE and COMPASSION than I ever thought was possible, and (even though it wasn't my goal) I weigh less now than I did then...and I eat more. In fact, I now take eating for granted and LOVE eating, oh my goodness do I ever - especially cookies :p Four years ago, I couldn't eat an IN N OUT burger because it made me sick, yesterday I ate one without thinking twice AND THEN had animal fries and I took it for granted until God laid it on my heart to write this.
Seriously girls/ladies, if God is starting to pull you out - reach out to someone. They can only guess what you're going through, you need to make it known and seek help. You won't get better by wishing someone will notice, you need to take action. Please, don't end up in the hospital because of it or fearing for your life because of it.
- So maybe this was all a little too personal, my apologies if it made you uneasy - but being someone who has been through it, and who has come to the realization that I will probably always be fighting agianst it in some way - I just want to help others going through it and fighting against it. If this helps one person, I am grateful.
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Tuesday, March 6, 2012
Wicked!
Sunday was AMAZING!! Anthony's grandparent's came up and he spent the day with his grandpa while his grandma and I went and saw Wicked!!! It is one of 2 musicals that I want to see before I die and it was Wonderful [...they call me wonderful so I am wonderful....] I really can't say how phenomenal it was.... it was just incredible and I loved it and would love to see it again!
So here's the only photo I got before they made the no camera announcement:
And then I had to get a souvenir....:D
Quite possibly the most expensive T-shit I have ever purchased, but that's ok! It was totally worth it ;) Though I think I probably should have bought the CD instead. Oh well!
So all that was absolutely AMAZING and it was exciting. It definitely reminded me of how much I love music and performing.. *ah* It was wonderful!
So here's the only photo I got before they made the no camera announcement:
And then I had to get a souvenir....:D
Quite possibly the most expensive T-shit I have ever purchased, but that's ok! It was totally worth it ;) Though I think I probably should have bought the CD instead. Oh well!
So all that was absolutely AMAZING and it was exciting. It definitely reminded me of how much I love music and performing.. *ah* It was wonderful!
Saturday, March 3, 2012
We moved!
We moved again! The whole process was pronbably the MOST unorganized move EVER, but that's ok. That's what happens when I get the flu when hubby is oot and I'm supposed to be doing the bulk of the packing. Thankfully we had lots of help with packing, loading, unloading and unpacking! We are so so so so so so so so so thankful for everyone who was able to help us out in any way, whether through physically being here to help or through praying for us! It took me until 2 days after we were moved in for me to finally get overwhelmed which is a HUGE impovement!
We're still in the process of unpacking and getting things put away, but we're making progress. I will say that this is also the slowest I've ever unpacked, but I'm not getting too freaked out by it either. We have our kitchen set up and the bedroom and we can sit on the couch and Pocket has a nice area. The new place is interesting, unfortunately someone was mad at our neighbor yesterday and was yelling obscenities outside her door and I'm presently listening to some other people yell at each other across the way; hopefully this isn't a regular occurance.
On the bright side I absolutely positively LOVE this place 100 times more than the last place because of this:
Pocket likes it! She's out of her area more often and she is willingly going on the couch and staying there! And this makes me happy because I want her to be a social bunny and I want her to like to hang out on the couch with me...and she's starting to so this makes me extremely happy!
On another note, we are also in the process of looking for a friend for Pocket! If I had a way to get the pictures off my phone, I would post pictures, but as of right now I cannot except for texting them to my sister and asking her to e-mail them to me...
We're still in the process of unpacking and getting things put away, but we're making progress. I will say that this is also the slowest I've ever unpacked, but I'm not getting too freaked out by it either. We have our kitchen set up and the bedroom and we can sit on the couch and Pocket has a nice area. The new place is interesting, unfortunately someone was mad at our neighbor yesterday and was yelling obscenities outside her door and I'm presently listening to some other people yell at each other across the way; hopefully this isn't a regular occurance.
On the bright side I absolutely positively LOVE this place 100 times more than the last place because of this:
Pocket likes it! She's out of her area more often and she is willingly going on the couch and staying there! And this makes me happy because I want her to be a social bunny and I want her to like to hang out on the couch with me...and she's starting to so this makes me extremely happy!
On another note, we are also in the process of looking for a friend for Pocket! If I had a way to get the pictures off my phone, I would post pictures, but as of right now I cannot except for texting them to my sister and asking her to e-mail them to me...
Monday, February 20, 2012
Inconvenient
This was probably one of the most inconvenient weeks to get sick. SO much to do, and I'm stuck on the couch because being vertical is not really an option. blech. hopefully it's a 24 hour thing and is gone by tonight! Here's to hoping!
Friday, February 17, 2012
Checkk check Check Check it ooooouuuutttt.
[[the title is a result of not enough sleep/too much sugar/have you ever met me?]]
Anyways - I have decided to start a second blog with little updates and what nots with my makeup artistry business so check it out----> here!
Anyways - I have decided to start a second blog with little updates and what nots with my makeup artistry business so check it out----> here!
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Moving
One of the things I love to do is to reflect on where I've been and where God has me now. Where I've been has not been pretty or easy, but it amazes me to see how God has worked in and through me in big ways. We are currently in the process of getting ready to move next week (and by process, I mean we're thinking about packing haha....). Moving and boxes and chaos have never been easy for me to handle. I get overwhelmed and have anxiety attacks (sometimes); I just can't stand the thought of "oh, it's just one more temporary place to live". It floods me with the memory of so many bad decisions and difficult patches of my life - but not this time; and not last time. I admit that when I moved into our first apartment, it took me awhile because I flat out refused to put anything in a box. I had lived out of boxes too long and I just couldn't bring myself to do it. So as the weeks led up to our wedding, I would slowly bring over a backpack full of stuff and put it away before I left for the night. When we moved from CA to AZ, we had to put things in boxes - but it didn't bother me so much. I got overwhelmed towards the end, but probably because I'm type A and there just wasn't any logic to the remaining little nick nacks left to be packed. For the most part, I was peaceful about moving, I was excited about it, and I saw God in it everywhere. He kept me calm; He gave me new eyes to see with; He gave me the ability to see that moving and packing and boxes and all of it, while it was still to a "temporary" home, it's good. It doesn't have to mean that I'll be moving in another few months; it doesn't have to mean it's just another place to get buy. So now, as my husband and I get ready to move for the second time in our marriage - I'm excited because it doesn't have to be the way it was; it's going to be the best we can make it because we're in this together - hand in hand, heart in heart. Moving is no longer something to do just to get by another month or so; this will be my 15th? 16th? (I've lost count) move since I was 17; but it's better, because A is with me. I will probably get overwhelmed because I'm still learning to handle commotion - but it will still be good. God is with me.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
On my mind.
(*This probably didn't come out exactly as I planned; my apologies.) I've been meaning to write this post for awhile now and since bunny is ignoring me, I should take advantage of that. I recently had a conversation with a person who told me that it doesn't matter what is said or done, because (s)he's a Christian and is going to Heaven regardless. It broke my heart. On the one hand, yes it is true. If you are covered in the blood of Christ, meaning if you have acknowledged your wretchedness and Jesus' holiness and your need for a Savior and have repented of your sins and put your faith in Christ and His sacrifice on the cross for you - then yes, you are going to Heaven regardless of what you do becuase of the radical grace, love and mercy God has shown you. Ephesians 2:8-10 states " For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, not a result of works, so that no one may boast. For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them." There is nothing you or I or anyone else to can do to earn salvation and we can't lose it either. We do not serve a fickle God. He is constant; steadfast; unchanging. (Malachi 3:6 "For I, the Lord, do not change...; Hebrews 13:8 " Jesus Christ is the same yesterday and today and forever.")
However, we are called to be holy; to be set apart. We are called to be imitators of Christ. Jesus has given us this beautiful, priceless gift for FREE, so shouldn't we respond in a way that shows our appreciation for that? He has granted us eternal life, shouldn't we at least try to obey what He wants out of a deep love and respect of what He did for our wretchedness? We so despereately deserve Hell, yet He died for us to give us Heaven. Shouldn't there be a seperation from the world, after all - Jesus was not of the world and since His life covers ours then we have been graciously given the same thing. So shouldn't our lives reflect Heaven? In Matthew 7:16-20, Jesus says " You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits."
What we do matters. It doesn't matter in regards to us getting into Heaven, but it matters as our witness for Christ to non-believers. How are we supposed to shine light on the world if we're acting in the darkness? How do we show others Christ's love when we're gossiping or slandering or betraying or belittling or or or....? Shouldn't we be different? Shouldn't our lives reflect Christ? Shouldn't they? The radical grace God has given to us as a free gift should not be taken advantage of to sin or be viewed as something we need to work to keep or repay out of feeling guilty. He gave us a radical gift of grace so that we could live FOR Him. How are we living FOR Him if we're going against what He wants for us?
The default mode of our hearts is self-righteousness. The gospel says that we're free in Christ because of what HE did and not anythign that we did. The gospel is Jesus on the cross - Jesus on the cross for my sins; for your sins - so that I may have a right relationship with God. It's not Jesus + all of the things I do to look good. It's Jesus. It's Jesus alone. The fact that I did nothing should shape how I feel about Jesus. He paid it ALL. I should show Him respect and do my best to obey Him and not purposely do or say something that would show Christ in a negative light. If I am purposely doing something to hurt another person because I'm upset with them; that is NOT Christ in me, but sin in me.
I'm not saying that we HAVE to follow His commands because He died for us. This is not a works righteousness religion. There's a balance between legalism and antinomianism. (Legalism: excessive adherance to the law; Dependence on moral law rather than on personal faith; doing everything to the letter of the law to earn your place. Antinomianism: the flagrant disregard for God's commands.) We follow God's commands because we LOVE Him; just as I do my best to keep the house clean because I love my husband and it makes him happy. We should rest in God's grace, but not take advantage of it.
The radical grace God has given to us as a free gift should not be taken advantage of to sin or be viewed as something we need to work to keep or repay out of feeling guilty.
(i didn't proof read this. sorry)
However, we are called to be holy; to be set apart. We are called to be imitators of Christ. Jesus has given us this beautiful, priceless gift for FREE, so shouldn't we respond in a way that shows our appreciation for that? He has granted us eternal life, shouldn't we at least try to obey what He wants out of a deep love and respect of what He did for our wretchedness? We so despereately deserve Hell, yet He died for us to give us Heaven. Shouldn't there be a seperation from the world, after all - Jesus was not of the world and since His life covers ours then we have been graciously given the same thing. So shouldn't our lives reflect Heaven? In Matthew 7:16-20, Jesus says " You will recognize them by their fruits. Are grapes gathered from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? So, every healthy tree bears good fruit, but the diseased tree bears bad fruit. A healthy tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a diseased tree bear good fruit. Every tree that does not bear good fruit is cut down and thrown into the fire. Thus you will recognize them by their fruits."
What we do matters. It doesn't matter in regards to us getting into Heaven, but it matters as our witness for Christ to non-believers. How are we supposed to shine light on the world if we're acting in the darkness? How do we show others Christ's love when we're gossiping or slandering or betraying or belittling or or or....? Shouldn't we be different? Shouldn't our lives reflect Christ? Shouldn't they? The radical grace God has given to us as a free gift should not be taken advantage of to sin or be viewed as something we need to work to keep or repay out of feeling guilty. He gave us a radical gift of grace so that we could live FOR Him. How are we living FOR Him if we're going against what He wants for us?
The default mode of our hearts is self-righteousness. The gospel says that we're free in Christ because of what HE did and not anythign that we did. The gospel is Jesus on the cross - Jesus on the cross for my sins; for your sins - so that I may have a right relationship with God. It's not Jesus + all of the things I do to look good. It's Jesus. It's Jesus alone. The fact that I did nothing should shape how I feel about Jesus. He paid it ALL. I should show Him respect and do my best to obey Him and not purposely do or say something that would show Christ in a negative light. If I am purposely doing something to hurt another person because I'm upset with them; that is NOT Christ in me, but sin in me.
I'm not saying that we HAVE to follow His commands because He died for us. This is not a works righteousness religion. There's a balance between legalism and antinomianism. (Legalism: excessive adherance to the law; Dependence on moral law rather than on personal faith; doing everything to the letter of the law to earn your place. Antinomianism: the flagrant disregard for God's commands.) We follow God's commands because we LOVE Him; just as I do my best to keep the house clean because I love my husband and it makes him happy. We should rest in God's grace, but not take advantage of it.
The radical grace God has given to us as a free gift should not be taken advantage of to sin or be viewed as something we need to work to keep or repay out of feeling guilty.
(i didn't proof read this. sorry)
Healing
Last night I received an unexpected message on facebook. An apology and acknowledgement I have been waiting for for over 4 years. While I forgave this person years ago, I couldn't help but think of how powerful God is. Last I had heard, there was a lot of denial still happening and I had come to the point where I was content with knowing that even if this person continued to deny it, I had forgiven and know that God is bigger, stronger and all-knowing. The ramifications of what happened will always be there, will always be a part of my life, and I think will always be painful to some extent - but I felt a weight lift off my shoulders hearing the apology and asking for forgiveness. It's a huge testimony to how powerful God is and how important reonciliation between brothers and sisters is. I thank God for all that has happened in my life; the good, the bad and the traumatic because He is shaping me into the woman that He has designed me to be. It's always a process, and while today will be hard because memories were dug up of things that I don't think should have taken place - it serves as a reminder of how great my God is. How powerful He is to bring me up from the lowest and bless me abundantly with a husband who loves, cares for and respects me more than anyone I have ever known, a roof over my head, a functioning car, and more grace, mercy and love than I have ever imagined was possible. I am thankful for the bad things - for they make me appreciate what I have so much more than I ever would have before.
Thank you God for leading this person to the acknowledgement of sin, repentance, and for seeking reconciliation after 4(ish) years, thank you for giving me Anthony, who has been there for me, supported me, helped me, loved me, blessed me and even spoiled me from day 1, and thank You that through it all I can see Your blessings, Your will, You mercy and Your grace regardless of what the world may say to me.
Thank you God for leading this person to the acknowledgement of sin, repentance, and for seeking reconciliation after 4(ish) years, thank you for giving me Anthony, who has been there for me, supported me, helped me, loved me, blessed me and even spoiled me from day 1, and thank You that through it all I can see Your blessings, Your will, You mercy and Your grace regardless of what the world may say to me.
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